I'm WHAT!
by Gwenhwyfar1984
Summary: Something happens to O'Neill on a mission and what results is both shocking and amusing.
1. First trimester

Title: I'm WHAT?!!

Author: Earllyn

Rating: PG

Pairings: Sam and Jack. But not in a romantic way.

Content warnings: Just a couple of swear words. Nothing worse than you would hear on the show.

Spoilers: Tiny one for 'The Fifth Race'

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG-1 or related characters. I gain no profit from this fic. I also don't own _The Simpsons_, Jay Leno or any other copyrighted stuff in this fic. I gain absolutely no profit. This disclaimer extends to the other chapters as well.

Author's note: This fic came from watching the movie Junior too many times. Oh, if your name is one of the ones mentioned than please take no offence. I'm not trying to insult anyone!

"Ok Daniel. You're up." Colonel Jack O'Neill said as SG-1 finished its two-mile hike from the stargate. They were on P7X-904 to investigate a temple.

"Uh, well it seems this was a temple for the Greek god Dionysus. He was the god of wine and drunken behavior. Now this writing says-"

"That's nice Daniel." O'Neill said absently as he, Major Samantha Carter, and Teal'c went inside. Daniel followed, exasperated.

Inside, it was very dark and they had to use flashlights. Daniel walked up to a wall. "Huh, this is interesting. This identifies Dionysus as not only the god of wine and drunken behavior but…just a minute."

O'Neill wasn't listening. He was walking around bored. As he stepped on a small sphere on the floor, he was engulfed in a bright white light.

"Sir!" Carter cried and ran towards him. As she did a beam of light shot out and engulfed her for a moment. It retreated and O'Neill was released a few moments later. He stood there for a second then turned to Carter and Teal'c.

"What the heck was that?"

"Fertility!" Daniel cried triumphantly. He turned around to see the rest of the team staring at him. "What?"

Back at the SGC, both O'Neill and Carter were given clean bills of health.

"It was probably just a scanner." Daniel said.

"Then why didn't it 'scan' you and Teal'c?" O'Neill asked. Daniel just shrugged. As O'Neill was leaving Daniel called "Contact me if you start speaking Ancient!"

TWO AND A HALF MONTHS LATER

Daniel was sound asleep on P4X-214 when he heard a strange sound. He listened more and heard that it was coming from outside the tent. He put on his glasses and climbed out.

The first thing he saw was O'Neill vomiting into a plastic bag.

"Jack? You ok?"

"Do I look ok?" O'Neill answered grumpily.

Teal'c walked up behind them and said, " If you are ill O'Neill we should return to the SGC."

"I'm fine."

"Jack-" Daniel started.

"I'm FINE." O'Neill cried. A few minutes later he grabbed the plastic bag.

Daniel turned to Teal'c "You start packing up. I'll wake Sam."

In the SGC infirmary O'Neill was waiting. He had been there for about two hours and was not pleased. He was about to leave when Dr. Janet Fraiser walked in.

"Uh, well Colonel I got your test results back."

"And?"

"Well it was normal except for one thing. Now I checked the results myself…five times. I have no idea how…or why… or how, but."

"Doc…" O'Neill said warningly.

"Uh Colonel you're…you're."

"Spit it out already Doc!"

Dr. Fraiser cleared her throat. "You're…pregnant sir."

O'Neill's jaw dropped. "I'm WHAT?"

Fraiser looked both puzzled and uncomfortable "Pregnant sir."

"Ok. I think you need some time off Doc." He leaned forward. "I am a guy. Guys don't get pregnant. It's one of the laws of nature or something."

"But…It's true. At first I thought it was a mistake but…" She shrugged helplessly.

O'Neill hopped down from the bed. "Well you're wrong." He said and stormed out.

An hour later he was called to Hammond's office. The rest of SG-1 was there.

"Sit down Colonel. I just spoke to Dr. Fraiser." Hammond started. O'Neill opened his mouth to speak but Hammond held up a hand. "Now I have told the rest of your team her findings. I have decided to suspend SG-1's missions. For now. And as a precaution, Colonel you are to stay in the SGC."

"Sir, that's not nessceary. There's nothing wrong with me!" O'Neill protested.

"It's just a precaution." Hammond repeated. "Dismissed."

After they left Hammond's office everyone was uncharacteristically quiet. Finally Daniel cleared his throat. "Well."

"Well what Daniel?" O'Neill demanded.

"This is unexpected. I wonder how this happened?"

"Nothing happened Daniel. I'm not pregnant!" Behind him he heard a snort and turned around to see Carter shaking with suppressed laughter. "Do you find this funny Major?"

She sobered quickly. "Sorry sir. It's just I never thought I would hear the words 'I'm not pregnant' come out of your mouth."

"Oh for crying' out loud!" O'Neill cried and stormed off.


	2. Second trimester

One month later, O'Neill was feeling better. His nausea had stopped and he could finally set foot in the commissary again. After getting a peanut butter sandwich and a bowl of cottage cheese, he sat down with Teal'c and Carter.

"How are you feeling O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.

"Great. Where's Daniel?" He answered, pulling apart his sandwich.

"He's translating an artifact SG-2 brought back. What are you doing sir?" Carter asked. O'Neill had begun to spread the cottage cheese onto the peanut butter.

"What? It sounded good." He finished and took a bite.

"It sounds like a craving to me O'Neill." Teal'c said.

O'Neill swallowed and glared at him. "It's just a sandwich Teal'c. And for the last time, I am not pregnant!" Sergeant Siler, who had been walking by the table, stopped and had a look on his face that was a cross between confused and shocked.

"Is there something you wanted Siler?" O'Neill asked.

"N-no sir." Siler said and hurried on. Teal'c and Carter glanced at each other and O'Neill took a big bite of his sandwich.

Two weeks passed and O'Neill was worried. He had suddenly begun to gain weight. In fact, he could no longer fasten the pants of his BDUs. Finally, after struggling for ten minutes he just fastened his belt to hold them up and headed for Teal'c's quarters. He knocked. "Uh Teal'c? Can I come in?" He heard Teal'c's answer and entered. "Uh hey Teal'c. How're ya doing?"

"I am well O'Neill. How are you?"

"Uh…not bad. Teal'c, can I ask you something?"

He nodded.

"Can I…can I borrow a pair of pants?"

Teal'c looked at O'Neill and raised an eyebrow. "Do you not have pants O'Neill?"

O'Neill looked uncomfortable. "Yeah. But they don't fit anymore."

"I see." Teal'c got up and grabbed a pair of pants." Here you are O'Neill."

"Thanks." He said and quickly left.

He changed and went to the infirmary. "You wanted to see me Doc?"

Dr. Fraiser was fiddling with a machine. She turned to him and gestured, "Yes Colonel. Please lay down. Today I am going to do an ultrasound."

"Why?" He asked, lifting his shirt at Fraiser's gesture.

"I just want to check something." She said and placed the wand on his stomach. When the image appeared she gasped.

"What?" O'Neill asked.

She pointed to the screen. "That is a four month developed fetus."

"WHAT!" He cried and started squirming. "That's impossible!"

Fraiser shook her head. "But it's true I'm afraid. There's the head. And spine."

O'Neill stared at the monitor. "Oh my god." He repeated several times.

"Uh sir. Would you like to hear the heartbeat?" Fraiser asked.

He looked at Fraiser and stuttered. She nodded. "I can see you need time to process this." She wiped the gel off his stomach and said, "Come back in a couple of days."

O'Neill nodded and walked in a daze to Daniel's lab.

"Jack? You ok?" Daniel asked. O'Neill didn't say anything, just reached over and took the last of Daniel's ham sandwich. Daniel blinked and asked again.

"No, I'm not." O'Neill answered.

"Well, what's wrong?"

O'Neill swallowed. "I'm pregnant."

Daniel laughed. "What?"

"I'm pregnant." He repeated. "With child. Expecting."

"You're serious." Daniel said, shocked. O'Neill nodded. "When? How?"

"Well apparently four months ago. And I'm guessing it was that damn light on 904."

"Jack, a light cannot-"

"Hey Daniel, do you have-" Carter asked, walking into the lab. "Oh hello sir. What's wrong?"

"I'm pregnant. Seriously."

"Seriously? How?" She asked, shocked.

"I don't know but I'm guessing it was that damn light on 904."

"Sir a light cannot do that. Besides, I was in the light too and I am definitely not pregnant."

"Unless…" Daniel said.

"Unless what?" O'Neill asked, suspiciously.

"Unless…Sam's the mother." Daniel said, slowly.

"WHAT?!" O'Neill exclaimed.

"Excuse me?" Carter asked.

"Just think about it." Daniel said. They were quiet for a few minutes and Carter glanced at O'Neill's stomach.

"It does sound…logical." Carter said very reluctantly. O'Neill just sighed.

The next day, after a long meeting with Hammond SG-1 was having lunch in the commissary. To say that Hammond had been shocked would be an understatement. Especially when Daniel explained his theory. After a few minutes to get over the shock, he said that since this was because of an alien device there would be no court marshal.

"I wonder." Teal'c said.

"What?" Daniel asked, picking at egg salad.

"Whose last name will the baby have?"

"Mine." Both Carter and O'Neill said at the same time. They looked at each other.

"It's tradition for the baby to have the father's last name." O'Neill started.

"It's also tradition for the mother to be pregnant." Carter replied.

"That's besides the point. It'll have my last name."

"I'm not going to be around when they start discussing names." Daniel whispered to Teal'c. Teal'c nodded in agreement.

"Hey! It's my baby too!" Carter exclaimed. Sergeant Siler, who was walking by the table, almost dropped his tray. He stared at them in shock.

"Is there something you wanted Siler?" O'Neill asked.

"N-no sir." He said and quickly left.

O'Neill stared after him. "Siler's been acting really weird lately." He said and took a bite of chicken salad.

Later that day Carter and O'Neill were in the infirmary for an ultrasound.

"Ok. It looks healthy. Development normal for this stage. Here's the heartbeat." Fraiser said and pressed the button.

"Wow." O'Neill said after a minute.

"Yeah. It's fast." Carter said.

"But normal. Everything is…normal. Do you want to know the gender?" Fraiser asked.

O'Neill and Carter glanced at each other. "Sure." O'Neill said.

Fraiser moved the wand. "Hmmm. It seems to be a girl."

"A girl? Really?" O'Neill asked.

Fraiser nodded. "Congratulations."

A couple of days later Teal'c approached Daniel. "Daniel Jackson. I need you to take me to Colorado Springs."

Daniel looked up from his notes. "Why?"

"I need to purchase a book."

"What kind of book."

"A book of child's names."

"What? Oh you're not!" Daniel exclaimed.

"Indeed I am." Teal'c replied.

Several hours later, Carter walked into her lab. There, on the table was a neatly wrapped package. Wondering who put it there, she removed the paper to see it was The Big Book of Baby Names. Excited, she turned to the first page.

"No, I am not naming our child Allegra!" O'Neill exclaimed the next day in the commissary. His outburst drew stares from the other personnel.

"Why not?" Carter asked.

"It's an allergy medicine!"

Carter sighed. "What about Aimee?"

"What's it mean?"

"Loved one."

"Put it on the list." He told her.

"Alexandria?"

"Isn't that a town in Virginia?"

"Yeah." Carter sighed. "Belinda?"

O'Neill made a face.

"Why don't you look?" She said exasperated and handed him the book.

"Abigail?" He suggested.

"Meaning?"

"My fathers joy."

"What about me? The mother?"

"Wha-Oh!" He exclaimed.

"What?" Carter asked, concerned.

"I just felt something. It was weird."

"What do you mean?" She asked. Then it dawned on her. "Sir! The baby kicked!"

"You think?" He asked. "Oh! It happened again!"

"Uh sir? Do you mind if I?" She asked, gesturing to his stomach.

"Sure…" He said uncertainly. She reached over and placed her hand on his stomach. "There! Did you feel that?"

She took her hand away. "No." She said disappointed.

"Maybe it's too early." He suggested. Carter nodded. "Ok. So how about Charissa?"

"How about no." She replied, doing a fair impression of Dr. Evil.

"Hey Sam." Daniel said, walking into her lab the next day. "Have you seen Jack?"

Carter looked up from a complicated looking device. "He's in the commissary thoroughly enjoying his spaghetti with strawberry sauce." Daniel made a face. "Yeah."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So is it a boy or girl?" He asked. She smiled and didn't say anything. "Sam!"

"Girl." She told him, grinning.

"Oh." He said, looking disappointed.

"What's wrong with that?" She asked.

"I owe Teal'c fifty bucks."

"You bet on my child's gender?" She asked, stunned.

"No." He started. "The whole base did. There's also a pool going about the date of birth and a bet as to whether you and Jack will agree on a name in time. How's that going by the way?"

Carter sighed. "We're more than halfway through the book and we have only agreed on Aimee, Cathrin, Celeste, Damita, Hope, and Jeanne."

"Oh. Well uh…I have a list of names I thought you could consider." He handed her a folder and left. She took it and went down to the commissary.

"Hi sir. Daniel gave us a list of names. Wanna hear?" She asked, sitting down.

"Sure." He replied, scraping up the last bit of strawberry sauce.

Carter grimaced and opened the folder. "Ok girls names. First is Alala."

"Excuse me?" O'Neill asked.

"Alala. She was the Greek goddess of war."

"I'd prefer our child to be peaceful. Next?"

"Andromeda. She was-"

"I know the myth. Andie for short?"

"I'll put it on the list." She told him. "Next is Astrea. She was the Greek goddess of justice."

"Figures Daniel would pick all names from mythology. Next?"

"Athena. Goddess of wisdom. Minerva is the Roman equivalent."

"Nah. With your genes shell be smart enough."

Carter smiled. "With an odd attachment to _The Simpsons. _Next is Aphrodite. The Greek goddess of love. Venus is the Roman version."

O'Neill waved his hand in a dismissing gesture. "Next."

"Artemis. Greek goddess of hunting and childbirth. Diana is the Roman version."

"What's hunting got to do with childbirth?" He asked, perplexed.

Carter shrugged. "How about Ceridwin? Welsh goddess of poetry?"

"It's ok but it might put her under pressure to be artistic."

Carter took a deep breath. "Demeter? Goddess of agriculture. Ceres is the alternate."

"Nah."

"What about Hera? Juno is the other one."

"Juno. Isn't that in Alaska?"

Two months passed and O'Neill was towards the end of the second trimester. He had taken to wearing sweats that tied and tee shirts. Hammond was very understanding about him being out of uniform and didn't object. The weird cravings had disappeared only to be replaced by an appetite that rivaled Teal'c's. "I'm eating for two. What's your excuse?" Was what he said when Teal'c eyed his tray in disbelief.

One day Carter knocked on the door to O'Neill's quarters.

"Enter." Came Teal'c's voice. She opened the door to see Teal'c sitting in a chair next to the bed holding a box of tissues. O'Neill was sitting up on the bed sobbing.

"Sir, what's wrong." She asked, concerned.

He gestured to the television with a wadded up tissue. She turned to see _The Simpsons_. She turned back, confused.

"_The Simpsons_ made you cry?"

He nodded and choked back a sob. "Krusty finally met his long lost daughter." He told her. The sobbed "It's just so great!"

Teal'c sighed and handed him another tissue. He threw the old one on the ground and she noticed a large pile there. "That was the previous episode." Teal'c informed her.

"So?" O'Neill said and started crying again.

"I'll come back later." Carter said.

"That would be wise." Teal'c agreed and handed O'Neill another tissue.

Carter walked out and closed the door behind her. She then broke into a huge grin. Wait till Daniel heard this!

"You are probably all wondering why we're here addressing you." Carter said to the crowd of SGC personnel three weeks later. O'Neill was standing next to her rubbing his sore back.

"We have decided on a name." He announced.

"We decided on Celeste Lenore." Carter told then. Everyone nodded then someone yelled "What about a last name?"

"Were still working on that." O'Neill muttered, then yawned. "I'm going to go take a nap."

After he had left Carter turned to the crowd. "So who won?"

Everyone looked around the Daniel pulled out a notebook. At Carter's look he said "What? I keep good notes. Ok, it looks like…Teal'c!" Teal'c gathered up his money, which amounted to about seven hundred dollars.

"I must now go collect five dollars from General Hammond."

Later that day, O'Neill was in a good mood as he was walking through the corridors. He saw Siler heading into the MALP room. "Hey Siler! Wait up!"

Siler stopped and turned towards him. O'Neill hurried up to him. "What'cha doin'?"

"One of the MALPs was damaged. I'm supposed to repair it."

"Oh." O'Neill said. "Can I help?"

O'Neill followed Siler around for several days (much to Siler's annoyance).


	3. Third trimester

Authors note: I am so sorry this took so long to be put on. But not having a computer kind of creates problems.

"Good morning sir. How do you like your new BDUs?" Fraiser asked helping the very pregnant Colonel up on the bed. O'Neill had outgrown his sweats and tees so Hammond had had some 'pa'ternity BDUs made. They were basically a maternity top and men's pants with elastic. But O'Neill didn't know that.

"They're great! Very roomy." He replied as Fraiser measured his stomach.

"Baby moving a lot? Kicking?"

"Oh yeah."

"Ok. Just let me do a quick ultrasound. Uh..."

"What?" O'Neill asked, peering at the screen.

"It seems you have developed a small pinhole in your amniotic sac." She sighed and looked at the worried Colonel. "I'm going to have to confine you to bed rest for a month."

"A month!"

"A month." She said firmly.

Five days into the bed rest...

"And then do you know what? 'The study of the early universe is hampered by a lack of direct observations. A'-"Carter read.

"Carter what are you doing?" O'Neill asked, surprised to wake up and find Carter reading to his belly.

"Reading to our daughter. Scientific American, my personal favorite."

O'Neill attempted to sit up and Carter helped him. "Why not start with something easier. Like Baby's First ABC's." Carter gave him a look. "Or better yet...wait till she's born."

Carter set down her magazine. "I was just..."

O'Neill smiled." I know Major. It's ok."

Two days later Fraiser came into his quarters. "Guess what Colonel. Today you can take a shower."

"Really?" He asked, setting down his PS2 controller.

"Um hum. Once a week, a quick warm one."

"Ok. Well come on, help me up."

Fraiser gestured to two male nurses who helped O'Neill up and into the bathroom. They came out a moment later and Fraiser heard the shower start. A few minutes later she heard laughter.

"Uh sir? Is everything alright?"

"Yeah. Fine." She heard in between giggles. He laughed again.

"Sir?"

"Every time the water splashes on my stomach the baby kicks. It's great!"

Fraiser smiled and shook her head.

Three days later the SGC received a visitor. Jacob Carter. He had come because the Tok'ra had new information on Apophis.

"So who's coming?" Carter asked, waiting for the gate to power up.

"Your father and Martouf." General Hammond said.

Carter took a deep breath." Oh boy."

Daniel laughed. "Don't you mean 'oh girl'."

They looked at him. "What? The baby's a girl. Oh look, here's Jacob."

When Jacob and Martouf emerged from the Stargate Jacob immediately hugged and kissed his daughter. After hellos he asked about O'Neill.

"He's-"Carter started.

"Maybe you should see for yourself." Hammond said. He led them to O'Neill's quarters. "Jack? Can we come in?" Hearing yes, they entered.

"Did you know Jay Leno's chin is fake?" He asked when they saw him. He was propped up on pillows wearing a sweats and a loose fitting tee reading Weekly World News.

"What the hell happened to you!" Jacob exclaimed upon seeing O'Neill.

"What? You didn't tell him?" Seeing their faces he knew. "I'm pregnant. Seven months give or take a day."

Jacob opened his mouth. Then closed it. Then opened it again. "You're serious."

O'Neill nodded and placed his hand on his belly.

"How?"

"A device on P7X-904. Some light."

"A light? What kind of light?"

"We don't know. That planet is off limits for obvious reasons." Hammond said.

"Um hum. Well who's the mother?"

The room became deathly quiet.

"No." Jacob said, looking at his daughter.

Carter smiled slightly at her father. "Hi grandpa."

Jacob truly became speechless. Selmak took over. "Major Carter, your father is currently...shocked. May I congratulate you and Colonel O'Neill. May your child be strong and wise. I know of the planet and device you speak of. The race that lived there developed the technology for men to carry a child. They had a law that if a couple had a second child the father would carry it. They thought it was 'only fair'."

"What happened to them?" Daniel asked.

"Their Goa'uld ruler was wiped out by Ra. So were they."

"Wow." O'Neill said, and then grimaced." She's really kicking."

"She? It's a girl?" Jacob asked.

"Oh you're back. Yes, it's a girl. We've decided to name her Celeste Lenore. It means Heavenly Light." Carter told him.

"That's beautiful."

Martouf, who everybody forgot was there, cleared his throat. "Uh General?"

"Yes. The information. Let's go to the briefing room. Colonel, enjoy your magazine."

"Thanks for stopping by. "O'Neill waved.

"How do you feel about all this?" Jacob asked Carter as they were walking.

"Well it's weird, and scary, and kind of creepy. But also really amazing."

Jacob smiled. "Can I ask you something?"

"Depends."

"Who's last name will she have?"

Carter frowned. "You may not ask that."

Jacob chuckled.

The days passed and O'Neill moved on to the eighth month. He was free to move around the SGC but still had to 'take it easy'.

Seeing him walk down the corridors was quite a sight. His belly was, of course, quite large and he had the whole 'pregnancy posture'.

This day he decided to make the trek to Carter's lab. He entered the elevator to find Siler already there. "How ya doin Siler?"

"Ok sir. How are you?" Siler asked warily.

"Fine."

He exited the elevator and made his way to the lab. He found Carter near the end of an experiment. "Uh hey Carter. Should I come back later?"

"Oh no. I'm almost done. How are 'we' today?"

"We are fine. I will say I'll be glad when this is done." He said sitting down. "And I'm sure she's eager to be born. Although I am giving her a cozy home I must say."

Carter grinned." Yes you are." She set down the device. "So who do you think she'll look like?"

"General Hammond."

"WHAT?"

"You know, bald, chubby. General Hammond."

"Sir!" Carter exclaimed, laughing.

He laughed then said "I bet she'll have blue eyes. Like her mom."

"I don't know. I'm kind of hoping for brown."

"We'll see. What about hair?" He paused for a moment. "Blonde."

At the same time Carter said "Brown." They both laughed. Carter cleared her throat and began puttering. O'Neill could tell something was wrong.

"Hey what's wrong?"

"Nothing." She replied, lying.

"Yeah there is. What is it?"

She turned to him. "It's just that...I thought that when I had kids...I...I would be the one to be..."

"Oh. Someday you will be.

"Yeah right." She muttered, looking away.

"Look at me. Look at me Major." Her head snapped up. "Someday you will be pregnant. Although let me tell you it's not a picnic. And you'll be a great mom. Like I know you'll be to Celeste."

"Thanks sir. You'll be a great dad too."

"Thanks." He started fidgeting. "You ok now?"

"Yes. Are you ok sir?"

"No!" He cried and got up. "I really gotta pee. Again!" He said hurrying out.

The next day O'Neill was sitting in his quarters listening to music. Celeste was really kicking so he put the headphones on his stomach. She immediately stilled. 'Oh my goodness! She likes the music!' He thought with a smile. He picked up the phone and called Daniel. "Guess what Daniel. I put the headphones to my cd player on my stomach and Celeste liked it!"

"That's great Jack. Really." Daniel said. "Listen I've got to get back to this translation. Ok?"

"Yeah. Bye." He thought about calling Teal'c but he was probably kel-no-reeming and Carter was working on...something, so instead he picked up his game boy.

A couple of weeks passed and O'Neill went for his walks less. He got very tired very easily. In addition to his stomach getting larger so did his face, arms, hands, and ankles. He was not pleased. "I already look like I swallowed a beach ball! Why does the rest of me have to copy?" He asked Fraiser.

"It's perfectly normal sir."

"Well I don't like it!" He said. "I want it done. Out! I'm, your daddy and I'm telling you to get out!" He yelled to his belly. Then grimaced as Celeste kicked.

"Don't worry. Just six more weeks. Then your c-section. Don't be impatient."

"Doc. Do ya know who you're talking to?"

The weeks passed and not much happened. O'Neill's belly got bigger while his patience got shorter. He was two weeks from his due date when he decided to join his team in the commissary for breakfast.

"So how are you doing?" Daniel asked.

"Great. Never been better." O'Neill said sarcastically, watching several personnel with coffee. "I'll be right back."

He came back a few minutes later with a steaming cup of coffee.

"Sir! Give me that!" Carter said, reaching for the cup.

"No!" He cried.

"Gimmee. It's not good for the baby." She grabbed the cup.

"Carter give back the coffee."

"No sir."

"Carter I order you to give back the coffee."

"Sir-"

"Colonel O'Neill. Major Carter. I believe the coffee is no longer an issue as Daniel Jackson is drinking it." And he was.

"Daniel what the hell were you thinking! I wanted that coffee! I never touch your coffee. Don't do it again!" He yelled and stormed out.

Daniel looked at Teal'c and Carter with wide eyes.

"Hormones." Carter said.

Teal'c visited O'Neill a week later. No one had seen him for days. He opened the door to O'Neill's quarters and the scent of cleanser hit him. O'Neill was scrubbing a wall.

"What are you doing O'Neill?"

"Cleaning."

"Why?"

"This place is filthy! It's not fit for us, much less a baby." He said and started scrubbing harder.

"I see." Teal'c said.

"Don't worry. Fraiser said it is normal. It just means it's nearly time."

The due date finally arrived. Fraiser was examining O'Neill.

"Any pain sir?"

"My ankles hurt."

"Is that all?"

"Back."

"I see. Well I hate to say it but it's not time yet."

"WHAT!"

"While you would not have pain like a woman in labor would, you would still have stomach pain. You have none. I'm sorry sir, she's just not ready."

"When?"

"Could be hours. Could be days. We just wait."

They waited. And waited. And waited. Finally two weeks past the due date O'Neill had had enough.

"Doc!"

Fraiser took a deep breath. "What is it sir?"

"I've had enough. I want it over with. My back is killing me!"

"You'll have to be patient."

"I-ahhh!" He cried, clutching his stomach.

"What is it?"

"My stomach. It feels like it's being ripped apart."

"It's time. Let's get him prepped."

A half hour later baby Celeste Lenore O'Neill-Carter was born. She weighed 8 pounds 4 and a half ounces. O'Neill awoke to hear someone talking softly. When he opened his eyes he saw Carter sitting across from him gently rocking and talking to the baby.

"Can I see her?"

"Huh? Oh of course. We were just waiting for you to wake up" She handed Celeste to him after he sat up.

"Oh my. She's beautiful. Hello. We know each other, don't we?" Celeste yawned and curled up. Soon she was asleep.

Jack O'Neill awoke with a start. He immediately patted his stomach. Yup, still flat. He sighed with relief. Picking up the phone he dialed Daniel's number.

"What?" Daniel asked sleepily.

"Daniel. Are we scheduled to go to P7X-904 any time soon?"

"Jack? It's 3:30 in the morning."

"Just answer the question."

"No. No we are not. Can I go to sleep now?"

"Yes. Night Daniel."

"Yeah."

After he hung up O'Neill went to bed content to know he was in no danger of being pregnant.


End file.
